A Nod to the Contract Killer

Unemployed Journalist

So! It must be tough to be a contract killer? I mean…working in the shadows, risking your life and living in constant fear of being unmasked. Not to mention that your job has a pretty bad reputation.

Contract Killer

Big surprise there…I kill people for a living! What did you expect? Then again, it’s probably a bit like internet porn: publicly everyone’s condemning what I do, but in secret they’re rooting for me. Especially when I shorten the lifespan of someone they don’t like anyway. Basically, I whack and they wank. Not at the same time, though! I hope…

Unemployed Journalist

Well, at least your profession is transparent. Most people with jobs are so far removed from any kind of meaningful responsibility that they can simply point the finger at the higher-ups, Bob and Miranda. Not you, though. You’re working solo. You’re self-employed.

Contract Killer

Has its perks as well. Parkinson’s Law and the Peter Principle? I couldn’t care less. But I ain’t careless. My job requires me to be on top of my game. Or it’s game over. For me. Literally.

Luckily, life is hard. In other words, I’m definitely not complaining: there’s so much hate, spite, and all-around stupidity that my business is booming.

Unemployed Journalist

And since you’re one of the best in your field, you’re killing it. Obviously not just metaphorically.

Contract Killer

Pretty much. And it shows…I’ve invested my earnings into family, a house, and a yearly vacation somewhere warm. And I’m in luck: with global temperatures on the rise, I’ll soon be able to sunbathe on the Antarctic beaches — well, once I’m ready to retire, of course.

Unemployed Journalist

Meanwhile, it seems that keeping up with the Joneses has never been easier.

Contract Killer

Couldn’t agree more. My social media feed is clearly proof of that. All those pictures of my successes make the most magnanimous people envious. My private successes, that is. I’m obviously not dumb enough to take pictures of my professional ones. Like everyone else, I keep those skeletons — or, in my case, decaying bodies — hidden in the closet.

Unemployed Journalist

And yet, despite your meticulous efforts to lead the perfect double life, there’s a looming threat. Something that might finally disrupt your carefully laid out plans for the future.

Contract Killer

Yep and it ain’t generative AI assisted image creation that helps virtually everyone to take their social media presence to the next level, making me in turn look a lot less impressive. No, the problem is that technology is about to catch up with the skills required to make it as a contract killer.

Unemployed Journalist

So these days, when you’re not out and about taking care of your targets, you seem to be spending an increasing amount of time in underground forums for individuals with murderous intentions of all sorts, carefully explaining that there will always be a need for human contract killers. Why’s that?

Contract Killer

Well, my clients prefer to interact with someone as charming as myself as opposed to the cold and impersonal dealings with a Skynet employee. Though I gotta admit it’d be kind of funny if the last words the next vic…uhm…target will ever hear are: “I’ll come for you and your family” with a distinct Austrian accent. That being said, my targets naturally prefer to look a human in the eye before I gently blow their brains out — with a satisfied smirk on my face. Accent or not.

Unemployed Journalist

Of course, but as it gets tougher and tougher to compete with James Cameron’s imagination, don’t you have to look for alternatives? You know, the magic pill that solves everything. Overnight. Universal basic income or services?

Contract Killer

Please! People advocating that nonsense in public — I whack ’em on the house! And in the basement (or wherever convenient). More importantly, however, I had to earn my place! Painstakingly honing my skills; fighting (literal) tooth and nail for everything that I hold dear. So the idea that some goddamn fucking freeloaders might have it easier just doesn’t sit well with me.

Unemployed Journalist

Understandably. You’d rather see this entire planet go up in flames than to watch Bob’s and Miranda’s kids scroll their social media feeds all day long. You know what? I think I’m with you on that one. Conditioning these poor suckers to be victims of run-of-the-mill status games seems rather cruel.

With all that in mind, aren’t you slowly becoming aware that your cynicism is pushing it a little too far? Because when it comes to accessibility, even you have to get real. People who don’t see much — or anything at all; people who don’t hear much — or anything at all. Yes, blind and deaf people, as we used to call them. Well, those with any kind of disability, really…they get to participate more and more in a reality that has felt rather exclusionary to them up until now.

Contract Killer

Of course! That’s all fine and dandy and makes perfect sense to me — as long as they don’t decide to become contract killers and compete with me for a slice of the pie. Just go disrupt someone else’s industry.

Unemployed Journalist

Leading us to the quest for a way out. And this is where your current situation with all its successes has unfortunately set you up for short-term failure, I suppose?

Contract Killer

Yep. While I have all this tacit knowledge that would give me an edge over the competition, I couldn’t document my work, unfortunately. Too risky. So now all my know-how is locked inside my head and I cannot use it as training data. All I have access to is average killer AI that has no unique selling point. Just the standard, corporate-sponsored models limited to basic and strictly ethical murder. Crucially, however, that AI is more efficient and cheaper than me — even when prompted by Bob and Miranda. Or their kids.

Unemployed Journalist

I know…nepotism. It is a problem. This whole situation is why I wanted to interview you. Well, that and the hope that with some shock value I might get the needed attention to get my job back. I’m curious, though: what are your next moves?

Alternative Version